You know your insurgency is in trouble when even The Guardian can't muster an encouraging word about you.

Well, Austin Bay called it.

I'm still trying to figure out how all this has happened without a "legitimizing" U.N. presence.

Ofc. Krupke at 8:52 AM
Permalink |
---------------------

17 March 2005

It may be a strange thing for a rightish sort like me to say, but I really appreciate Howard Dean. Not because I think he's even remotely sane, of course, but because he has a wonderful way of focusing the mind. Mine, that is, not his.

Whenever I find myself reeling after the latest idiot statement from the SpongeBob-is-a-gay wing of the Republican Party, slapping my hand over my face and hoping nobody saw me standing next to them, I can always count on Dean to remind me that reductive moral snobbery wears no party insignia.

The most recent example comes from his recent appearance in Lawrence Kansas. After some routine boilerplate about attracting "moderate Republicans", came this:

And concluding his backyard speech with a litany of Democratic values, he added: "This is a struggle of good and evil. And we're the good."

Bear in mind here: he's not talking about Al Qaeda. He's not talking about Kim Jong Il. He's not talking about people who fly kidnapped airline passengers into civilian buildings, or hack the heads of bound hostages, or lynch 16-year-old girls for being "unchaste". He's talking about people who have different ideas on how to run Social Security than he does.

This, you'll recall, is the same Dean who weirdly proclaimed his unwillingness to stipulate the guilt of Osama bin Laden until after the "jury trial".

This is the guy Democrats have chosen to be the most prominent public voice and face of their party. Enjoy your minority status, fellas.

Ofc. Krupke at 1:50 PM
Permalink |
---------------------

14 March 2005

Someone call down to Hell, and tell them to check their thermostat. Just in time for St. Paddy's, too.

Maybe terrorism is finally losing its romantic cachet (hopefully to be supplanted with stuff like this). Better late than never, I suppose.

Next, we'll have people realizing the fundamental absurdity of wearing a Che Guevara T-shirt to a death-penalty protest.

Ofc. Krupke at 11:34 AM
Permalink |
---------------------

11 March 2005

This must be one of those "We oppose the war but support the troops" things. Or something. I guess.

Ofc. Krupke at 1:54 AM
Permalink |
---------------------

Happy trails, buddy. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

And if you see Kenneth, could you ask-

Oh, never mind. Courage.

Ofc. Krupke at 1:26 AM
Permalink |
---------------------

07 March 2005

With apologies to Gen, MacArthur, I have returned.

And now it's time for the first, and so far only, episode of "Ask Officer Krupke". Today's query is shamelessly cribbed from the comments section of my last post:

Dear Ofc. Krupke,

I was walking home from a friend's house on the "safe" streets of Santa Monica last Friday night (yes, people sometimes to WALK in Los Angeles County) when a gang of hoodlums threw an egg at me from their passing vehicle. It was a drive-by egging committed by what I can only assume was a gang of young Republicans. Only thing is, they missed me.

The egg splattered against the wall of a nearby surgical center. As they drove off into the rain-slicked night, I felt sorrow for the hoodlums. You see, I used to do stuff like that when I was young (young meaning less than 18 years-old). But for some reason, I felt sad for them because it was likely that they were older than 18 -- but moreso because they couldn't even "egg" me with any amount of success.

Chances are, if they're older than 18 and they're out on the streets looking for someone to toss an egg at, their lives are lacking in many ways.
Anyway, the point is - and feel free to take your time answering - what sort of crime was it that they had committed? A felony assault? A misdemeanor?

Just wondering.

-Sue Z., Hollywood, CA

Well, your mileage will vary depending on the statutes in the state or city where you live, but generally speaking, it wouldn't be felony assault. They'd pretty much have to put you in the hospital to rate a felony charge.

If I were taking this as a report, I would likely call it Assault. You weren't hit by the egg, but the intent was articulably there. If the egg had hit you, it would be Assault and Battery. If the egg's impact had left you with significant visible injury, it might be Aggravated Assault or Battery, but that's probably a stretch. Note that this is all still in misdemeanor territory.

Now, your next question is, probably, what now? What terrible power can the state exercise on my behalf to bring G-Dubya and his cronies from Tha Young Republikanz Posse to justice for their heinous crimes against man and egg?

The short version is, not very much. If you reported the egging to the police, the best you could reasonably hope for is that the officer who took the report would drive around armed with your description (which, if you're like most people, would sound something like "They were in a car. It was a dark color. I don't know, I didn't get a very good look at it."), spot the miscreants, and pull them over.

If the officer didn't find them in a relatively short time frame, it gets more complicated. Many states (including Southern State) hold that police can't arrest anyone without a warrant, unless the offense was committed in the officer's presence. The courts allow an exception to this rule for "freshly committed" offenses, which give us a little leeway in finding baddies who flee the scene of their crimes. As a rule of thumb, if a cop can catch the offender before the end of the shift, they're okay, unless they get a prick judge. If they can't find them in that time frame, the only way they can arrest your attackers is if you go before a judge and swear out a warrant, which requires you to have their names and enough evidence to convince the judge that there is probable cause for arrest.

Okay, so say they're arrested, what then? Again, your mileage will vary, but in Southern City you would attend a municipal court hearing a day or two later. If you don't show, the charges are dropped and it's over. You might be required to attend several such sessions if the defendant requests a continuance, asks to speak with an attorney, requests a jury trial, has a hangnail, etc.

The most likely outcome of such a case would be deferred prosecution for six months or so; the judge would order G-Dubya to stay away from you. If he managed to do that (and stay out of other trouble as well), the charges would be dropped after six months. If G-Dubya were convicted, he would likely receive a little jail time (30 days or so), but it would be suspended. He'd be required to stay out of trouble, plus the judge might refer him to a counselor for Anger Management and Egg Sensitivity. If he can go the year without being caught for anything else, the sentence will be wiped and his debt to society will be considered paid.

Basically, I'm telling you the odds that he'll do a day inside are pretty low. Feel safer yet?

Thanks for writing, Sue, and I hope that answers your question! Look for another installment of "Ask Officer Krupke" around about the time I get another question. See ya!

Ofc. Krupke at 5:44 PM
Permalink |
---------------------